Sometimes a poem can say it better than a post.  This is a spoken word poem that I recently shared at my local church in an effort to convey to others, particularly those who have never struggled with their faith, some of the hopelessness, fear, and anger that comes with being a new or non-believer.  I hope that if this is the case for you that it may shed some light on what life can be like without God. If you are the one in the midst of a struggle, I hope that it may convey even a tiny glimpse of how great God is and how rich life is with Him in it.

 

Reflecting on Psalm 139

“For you formed my inward parts;

   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

   my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

   intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

In your book were written, every one of them,

   the days that were formed for me,

   when as yet there was none of them.”

 

Formed for me.   

It wasn’t so long ago that I would have scoffed at that.

I don’t remember when God fell from my lexicon,

but I do remember

all the years of feeling alone,

rejected,

unfit for this world

let alone to be loved by a greater God.

 

How could You be there? I mean, really?

I remember crying out to You-

demanding you prove Yourself before I prove any loyalty to You.

After all, I grew up cataloguing the ways a parent can crush the love of a daughter.

How could a heavenly Father be so different than my own?

 

After all, if You were the great I AM wouldn’t you yell it?

All these Sunday school tales of fire and brimstone

walking on water

tiny men in tall trees

boys in the bellies of whales

and you couldn’t even be bothered to whisper in the ear of one scared little girl

to let her know she wasn’t alone,

that she was loved,

that she was more than her body,

and that the blood that coursed through her veins ought to stay there

because The Blood had already been shed

and you had a plan for her.

A good plan. A better plan.

 

I didn’t hear an answer so I turned my back on you.

I shut the door on God

on love

on salvation

and succumbed to the idea that I was all alone.

 

I was deaf from the words crammed in my head:

black sheep

embarrassment

not mine

I don’t want to see you anymore

and I didn’t want to see You anymore

so I didn’t.

 

As yet another man stopped loving me, just walked away forever,

I didn’t realize he was your blessing sent to saved me from myself.

I didn’t notice when you orchestrated the entire universe to move for love-

a true love

and placed before my feet a man to redefine manhood by.

You knit within my inward parts insuppressible beauty you couldn’t help but geminate,

but I still couldn’t see you or your love in it.

I couldn’t hear you even though you were there in

every cry of hunger,

every giggle,

every scream of pain,

and every shaking of my soul.

I blocked you out

yet you wouldn’t leave me as I was.

You never start anything you do not finish.

You continued to work in me despite

my stubbornness,

despite my selfishness and dead ears.

You didn’t flinch when I cursed the very idea of You

as I sobbed on bathroom floors and

softly into pillows

dreaming of the day I would be no more.

 

You,

Jehovah Rapha,

broke through

but I had been so long inattentive I didn’t recognize You at first.

I found myself in the pits of despair,

a darkness like no other

surrounding me,

clouding my mind and my heart

and what I thought was simply my failure

was my death.

The death of my old self.

You see, death is dark and often painful,

But You were there

and like a newborn baby you pushed me into the light,

reborn.

Finally there you were,

my Abba,

cradling me like a baby.

 

Slowly I’ve woken up to all that You have provided me

in Your steadfast faithfulness.

You’ve bestowed love on me

a love I still cannot fathom.

And as doubts crept in and threatened to capsize my young faith,

You turned up on my doorstep to remind me

“Doubt your doubts, but do NOT doubt my love for you. I am for you.”

And I felt you then,

Jehovah Shalom,

with every fiber of my being.

 

It is only through sanctification that I recognize

those years were a gift from you.

That the sorrow has carved out a pit

so deep

in my very being that it holds

more love,

more joy,

more thankfulness

than it could ever have held before;

an easy life would have provided only a shallow pool of joy to draw from,

but you wanted better for me.

Thanks to You, my love is a deep, dark wellspring

that is ever flowing for you, oh God.

I’m still sleepy-eyed most days

and easily forget in the day to day monotony

that is my self absorption

That it is You I should be focused on,

but I am getting there.

And by your grace,

and your grace alone,

I am fighting to pull you into the centerstage of my heart

and worship you with all my soul,

Elohim.

 

I praise YOU,

for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are YOUR works;

my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

In your book were written,

every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet, there was none of them.